Thursday, January 1, 2015

Love Surfaced, What Now?

At the age of 32 I recognized love, first for myself. Now before identifying my own self worth I walked a muddy trail. I was broken, damaged, and even worse bitter. Really bitter. I no longer believed in happiness, I more so taught myself to prepare for the worse, because happiness was always followed by misery. Disappointment, this word term controlled me.

I was reintroduced to a place of worship, a different place of worship. A place where there were no dress codes, special rules or membership requirements. A place where if I prefered to be invisible amongst the congregation I very well could be. As I listened to reiterated subjects I gained clarity, a deeper understanding. Most impirtantly I heard that I did not have to be perfect and I would be loved no less than any other Christian. Bigger than that was that I finally believed it. Which leads me to this topic.

Once I chose to believe with all my heart that I was worthy of any and everything I desire, my wishes began to unfold, maybe not in the order I would have liked but in a way I could truly appreciate. My friend told me not to look at others blessings and wish for them in the same order because God orders our steps; he know what needs to happen first in order for the floodgates to open. There are so many places he could have started with me, Mentally, Physically, Finacially... But he started with my spiritually and emotions first. Once he saw my trust he gave me the capability to display love for me and filled me up with enough to give to others. He knew that once I could loveysf unconditionally that I was ready for companionship.

I have only been with my partner for 6 months but I knew it was love after our first 3 months. Yea someone said opposites attract, but this man is the mirror image of ME. Women we know...we just know.. But sometimes we just think we do, but trust me, with no doubt, You will know. Let me put this very simple "he has to want you just as bad as you want him, willing to do and sacrifice everything you would for him" yes this is possible!

Does he get under my skin? Heck yea. I'm I still under construction, uh yea! He breathes hard when we're watching tv, he laughs extremely loud, he doesn't eat fruits or veggies, he lacks ambition, he plays video games far too long, and the list goes on. But the difference is if I bring a problem to his attention of he can change the behavior he will make strong effort, not to shut me up, but to preserve our time together Lololol.

I have learned to sabotage my relationships to avoid disappointment. Honestly my past relationships I have no regrets about sabotaging, I didn't need to be there. I picked arguments, selfish acts, jealousy stunts, I looked for the worse character traits in each candidate (wasn't hard to find either).

This time it's so different. I find myself staring at him when he is sleep (with his mouth open) wondering where the hell did he come from. Since we've met he at any and every event with me, enjoying himself. The first thing he does when he walks in the house is kiss me without fail. If I am hurt the world stops until I'm at least coping. If I'm counting calories so is he, when I shopping for groceries he is pushing the cart. But what said the most for me, was his commitment to creating a solid foundation with me in the church (as long as we are home to see the 1pm Bengals game, he just might miss for an Ohio State game). He says to me all the time "we're a team".

I am not afraid of being alone, I do that very well! I am not defined by who I have on my arm, in fact I am very much a leader in all my relationships, but it does feel great to have someone to have my back. As bullheaded and strong as I am, lately I've felt fragile because he has given me the okay. He has taken from my load and proved loyalty so I can spend some of my day being a mother, girlfriend, a woman.

Loving Thy Self is a crucial piece in growth and happiness. I was able to recognize true love because I spent time being true myself. I remembered what did not feel good to me and I can tell you I remember a lot of hurt so it didn't take any effort to welcome love. It's worth the wait.

Thanks Love.

I had to put my feelings down to see them- A

Sunday, December 28, 2014

There will always be ups and downs, set backs and come backs, this year I will bring you just that.